Considering that for the past 4 days the outside world has resembled the front of Christmas card I've had to admit to a different force of nature (the birthday girl) that I have no reason not to blog about a lot of recent issues. Well, this is outside my apartment:
While inside my head looks like this:
...or something like that.
I have now been a 'college graduate' for over a year. I have my BA in History - Museum Studies and perhaps you're asking yourself what one does with a degree such as this? Well, if you're me...you work in a pediatrics office. While, I love the people I work with (for the most part), I'm bored. Actually, bored doesn't even begin to scratch the surface. The more concerning issue is that I'm starting to get comfortable, which is perhaps the bigger problem. I've always had this mental progression, always on to something bigger and better, never getting comfortable because if I get comfortable then I lose my focus.
I can NEVER lose my focus.
Yet, here I am. I'm living in Norman, OK (which still blows my mind...ask me five years ago if I thought I'd be living in Norman and I would have laughed my ass off) in my little apartment. I work Monday through Friday from 8am - 5pm (ish); I wear the EXACT same thing four days out of the week. My only chance to really be myself is on Fridays when I can wear jeans, sad but true...its my only form of rebellion these days.
I came home last night reeking of cigarette smoke, I probably should have taken a shower, and I didn't. Up until now when I fell asleep with my hair reeking of cigarette smoke it meant I had just laid down after an EXCELLENT night, one usually accompanied by an incendiary soundtrack.
Not anymore.
So, here's a little back story. Spring 2005. I was a freshman in college, taking a philosophy class that would eventually, coupled with a much unexpected pregnancy, totally change my life. I was joining the Peace Corps and beyond terrified about it. My application was all filled out and ready to go, save for the medical evaluation (it's a bitch). I was in Arkansas at the University of Central Arkansas at a concert (Jimmy Eat World, Taking Back Sunday, and the Format). We went for The Format (and missed them...cause the line was wrapped around campus and the fuckers started the concert before everyone was in the venue) but Jimmy Eat World is one of the best shows I've ever seen. Anyways, we were leaving. I was sitting in the backseat (passenger side) of an Echo when my cell phone rang, I answered, and heard the last six words one wants to hear from their best friend at the ripe old age of nineteen, "please, don't be mad at me."
Heart stop.
At that exact moment everything changed. "I think I'm pregnant. Where are you?"
I slid to the floor board of the smallest car known to man. I think I might have started hyperventilating. My friend was shaking my shoulder, tears starting in her eyes. I must have looked something terrible.
"I'm in Arkansas. We missed The Format. Are you sure?"
I think the conversation continued (with me still on the floor). I told her we were driving all night and that I would come pick her up in the morning and we would go to Planned Parenthood. I wasn't much for trusting the Dollar Store pregnancy test. So, the story goes...she was indeed pregnant. Amidst all the confusion, the tears, and the explanations I found myself sitting in that same philosophy class the following Monday. It was then that I decided if I had to stay, I might as well do something I enjoyed. Therefore, we have the History degree. I was stuck at UCO, I did everything I thought I could to try to build a program for myself that would allow me to pursue an academic career in archaeology.
So, here I sit. I have my degree. My best friend has two (yes, two) beautiful girls and is hopefully on her way to FINALLY getting away from their father. I am once again, staring at my Peace Corps application. I'm looking at CNA programs, so that I'll have even just a tiny bit of medical training to pad my application. I still want to go to Africa. I just don't know anymore. Do I give up on my academic career? I can't afford to go to school right now and the field I want in is so unbelievably narrow that I can't just do it part time. It's not possible. I have to be able to in it 100%, there's no room for anything below exceptional. So, maybe I won't give it up completely...just put it on hold (yeah, isn't that what they all say).
This is my crossroads.
I'm standing at the crossroads; I believe I'm sinking down.
